Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our “Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas” etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including how to deal with wedding invite debacles—below.
Want their advice on how to handle a sticky social situation? Email them at modernmanners@realsimple.com and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.
What Should You Do When Coworkers Exclude You? Our Etiquette Experts Share Their Advice
Wedding Invite Issues
MARY ASKS: My husband’s niece is getting married in eight months. The save-the-date only had my husband’s name, my name, and my husband’s two kids’ names (my stepkids). Not my two children. All our kids are 16 to 24, so age isn’t an issue. We’re all fairly close, and there are no rifts in the family. The actual wedding invitation might include their names, but I doubt it. What should I do?
JENNA BUSH HAGER: You could just say you’re planning travel for that weekend and ask if your kids will be invited. But you have to be prepared to learn it wasn’t a mistake. If that’s the case, it probably isn’t personal; it might be about numbers.
HODA KOTB: I was thinking that. It’s a terrible feeling when you’re writing your list of people you want to invite to your wedding and you’re 10 people too heavy. So it may have been a really difficult decision for the niece.
JBH: I would ask, but try not to take it personally.
HK: Yeah, I think you have to find out. You have the right to ask, but you have to be ready for the no. If your kids feel bad, you can bow out. That’s your choice. They can invite who they want, and you can decide not to attend.
You have to prioritize yourself and your own health and happiness. Make sure you feel like you’re living an honest, happy life.
— Jenna Bush Hager
Dealing With a Moody Boss
MARIA ASKS: I work at a retail store, and one of the managers has wild mood swings. She’s either happy and friendly or ice-cold and mean. I’ve already asked her once if she could speak to me in a gentler manner. It lasted a week. I’m a senior citizen, and so is she. I’m sure both of us have accumulated a lot of reasons to be bitter over the years, but is that an excuse? I’ve spoken to her; I’ve spoken to the corporate office. Nothing has changed. What should my next move be?
HK: We’ve all had bosses who were not kind and spoke to us in tones that were upsetting. I think there’s only so much a person can tolerate in that environment. Maybe there’s somebody else you could talk to, like another manager or someone in HR. Or look for a job where you feel more seen and welcomed. One job isn’t the only job. If you walk in every day wondering whether it’ll be Dr. Jekyll or Ms. Hyde, try looking elsewhere.
JBH: You have to prioritize yourself and your own health and happiness. Make sure you feel like you’re living an honest, happy life. If your work environment is making you miserable, take action or find something else.
One-Sided Conversations
ROCHELLE ASKS: When a friend of mine calls, we don’t have a conversation—she just rambles on and on. I fell asleep once when she was talking excessively! How can I tactfully communicate that I’d like to have a conversation as opposed to listening to her blabber?
HK: Maybe when you start the conversation, tell her right off the bat you want to share something: “As soon as you’re finished telling me your story, I want to let you know about something amazing that happened at work today.” Give the setup that you’re coming in with news too. It sounds like in this relationship, one’s the talker and one’s the listener, but you might be able to change that.
JBH: Some people just aren’t good listeners. You can try to change the dynamic, and if the dynamic doesn’t shift, it isn’t about you. It’s that she’s not a great listener. Either you accept that or, if you think she’s overly self-focused and the friendship doesn’t feel like a two-way street, you can stretch out the time between picking up her phone calls.
The Always-Late Hairstylist
CINDY ASKS: Is it just my old-school way of thinking that when a hair appointment is made and confirmed, the stylist should be on time or at least no more than five minutes late? My time is valuable too, and waiting 25 minutes for an appointment is unacceptable in my mind. Am I wrong? What can I do in this situation?
JBH: You’re not wrong! When she’s late, I think you can say, “Hey, listen, I have to rush out to get the kids after this,” or “I have errands to run. If we make appointments, will you try to be on time?” Hoda is never late, because she wants people to know that their time is valuable and that they’re seen.
HK: You have to say something because otherwise she’ll be a half hour late the next time. It’s a slippery slope, and she might think you’re always willing to wait.
JBH: I would just make sure it’s a pattern before you say something. If it’s only once, there could have been an unforeseen situation, like traffic or whatever. If it’s a few times in a row, definitely say something.
